Now you know.

You never know what.png

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Anxiety, depression, bullying and many other things I have been through it. That is why I kept my blog a secret because it was a way for me to rant about what is going on around me. But people around me who don’t know about it, are suspecting that I have one.

So this is a post aimed at those who know me personally and come across it somehow, be it now or in the future. I believe that my blog is doing quite well with the amount of views that I get worldwide and so no I’m not going to stop posting on it or delete it.

This blog was my safe place, somewhere where I could rant and express myself through my writing without getting judged. Somewhere that I share my thoughts and views without calling it ‘gossiping.’ Of course my closest friends know about it and they have supported me every step of the way.

So let me get to the point. If you know me personally but, did not know about my blog and know about it now, well and good. If you get offended by anything that I have said, I am not sorry and I am never going to be. Why? because I have not mentioned any names. I know people are going to hate me after reading this post and a few others that I have posted. But I have honestly become immune to the hate. I was just 13 0r 14 when I had people laughing at me because ‘I had no friends’ or because ‘I was fat’ or ‘cross eyed’ – apparently, and yes those are things that have all been said to me. Those are just the few things that have been said to me.

Imagine having so many insecurities due to these statements amongst many others, and to top it off there are situations that have happened that haunt me till to date. For example, a while back when I was what I  call ‘At my worst’ a guy told me something that still echos in my mind every time I’m feeling anxious or bad about my self – “And that’s why no one likes you.” Mind you he said this over something so petty, till to date I have a strong disliking for this person. At the time I was fully aware that his statement was true, I mean I even knew that my ‘best friend’ at that time used to back talk me. But having someone say it out loud felt like someone hit out directly in my gut.

Before that that there was a time I was so alone, I used to secretly eat my lunch in the library by myself. Whilst everyone I knew was probably in the canteen or in the field having an amazing time. During this time I had someone trip me in the corridor then laugh at me because I cried, not knowing that those tears had been threatening to fall for a while and they only needed a trigger. These are just a few of those incidents that have caused me to build a massive and thick wall around me. If I were to write about all of them I would end up writing a book.

Today I stand tall (metaphorically, because I’m quite short) and happy. Some may call me secretive because my circle of friends is small, but I like it that way. I’m bubbly and talkative and I’m my usual caring self. Writing about and sharing these experiences took me a lot of courage and strength. I’m not going to apologize for anything that I have written because I want to share my experience and tell people that don’t give up because there are better things to come. I want to warn people to be careful about what they say because they might know what the other person is going through.

Officially I haven’t told most people that I know personally, about my blog and I am not going to anytime soon. If they find out about it, I’ll go with the flow. I have decided that I’ll establish my blog after I’m done with high school because that will be like a new beginning for me. There are so many people around me that I don’t consider important to me, personally, and so I didn’t feel like they should be knowing about this but if they find out so be it.

I didn’t write this so that I have people pitying me. I wrote it to show my readers and followers how far I’ve come as an individual. I love who I am now and I wouldn’t change me for anything. I hope my story can inspire people who may be going through the same thing. And if there is something that I have realised its that people are going to hate and talk even if its over something petty like laughing over you travelling in economy on a plane – yes, someone I know actually did that; not to me but to a friend :’D.

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Not my image.

-Sonaili

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